Just By Chance
by OuroborosSnyder
Summary: Suicide. Such a simple, three syllable word and yet it held such permanence... Post Frame. BA. Now COMPLETE! Warning: Ch. 9 Rated M. Happy ending and all!
1. Chapter 1: Hopeless and astray

**Title: **Just By Chance

**Show:** LOCI

**Pairing:** BA

**Disclaimer:** Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

**Rating:** T for references to suicide as well as language.

**Spoilers:** Spoilers for "Frame."

**Authors Note: **This takes place that weekend after "Frame" (season finale) occurred. I think I'll just leave it at that…

One more thing; I'm not saying I agree or disagree with the beginning quote. For one thing, I feel that everything we do is a choice. What can I say? I have a very indeterministic outlook on life, but I put this quote in because it ties into the story.

**Note:** The parts that are in _**bold and **__**italics **_are the parts where Bobby's reading.

And, of course, _No BETA used throughout the story. _

**CHAPTER 1: Hopeless and astray**

* * *

"Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain."

–Unknown

* * *

Bobby partially opened her screen door and left it there; between the screen door and front door. It was the short note that had taken him so long to write. He knew she'd see it when she came home.

_When she gets home…But by then, it'll be too late._

Alex was gone for the entire day. Her family had their monthly barbeque at her parents' house on Saturday.

Today is Saturday.

_Today… _He contemplated.

It was today that he decided it was time.

…_It'll be the last day of my life._

Alex called Bobby in the morning to let him know that she'd be gone most of the day and asked if he was going to be ok; if he _was _ok. He weakly answered yes, but his brain was screaming no. She even invited him to go with her, but he turned her down. She wasn't surprised. He couldn't go. Bobby said he'd be fine, told her to have a goodtime, and then hung up. He sounded so distant during those few short minutes.

_I'll be fine. Soon enough, everything will be ok once and for all._

The drive back to his apartment was troublesome. Time seemed to standstill. The note…he kept thinking about it. It was hard not to. He knew it wasn't saying much, it wasn't saying _enough_. He knew it was wrong to just leave it there, but it was the best he could do; it was all he could do. At least he did that much. He couldn't see her no matter how much he ached to. She'd talk him out of it. She mustn't ruin his plan.

_There's no turning back now._

When Bobby parked outside his apartment building, he got out of his car and enjoyed the city air one last time until he stepped inside the building. He decided to take the stairs up to his apartment instead of the elevator.

_It's only three floors, it won't kill me…_ He mused and then he grimaced at the thought.

Once inside, he shut the door but didn't bother to lock it. He figured it would be easier for the police to get inside if he kept it unlocked.

_By the time anyone hears the sound…I'll be gone._

Lethargically, he turned around and scanned his apartment. It felt empty, void of any life. He realized just then that in his 47 years of living he hadn't accomplished much. He was a Detective. A great Detective; he'd give himself that much credit; too bad other people didn't. But he didn't care what others thought any longer. He cared what _he _thought, and his job alone…it wasn't enough. He lived in a crappy apartment in Brooklyn with no family or close friends to speak of. It never really felt like home to him; it was just a place to eat and sleep. Truly, he never felt he had a home. His life was meaningless and he felt terribly alone.

_I'm such a waste…I can't take life anymore…_

It was the only possible solution to end his miserable being. It was the only plausible way. He was willing to leave what little he had to relieve his pain. Really, it was self-destruction.

_Suicide is a man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me—I quit!" _

Bobby thought about his musings and believed it. He refused to be fired. He was going to quit before God had a chance to fire him.

_I'll never feel better again. Nothing will help; not this time. Nothing can make it right again. After everything that has happened in the past couple of days, why would I want to make things right?_

Suicide. Such a simple, three a three syllable word and yet it held such permanence. It was _the_ word so many people feared to even say, yet he was willing to act on that one single word. He wasn't sure if he feared it or not and that alone, the uncertainty of it all, put fear into his heart.

The thought, the word 'suicide' had come to him many years ago but he'd pushed those thoughts away. At this moment in time, however, those thoughts were coming on full stream ahead. Any logic he may have been feeling was thrown out the door. He scrutinized himself on many occasions for thinking such thoughts, but he didn't anymore.

_If suicide is an indication of how weak I truly am, then so be it. _

After all that had happened; his mother's death, his brother's death, Nicole's death…and even Declan's confession, he couldn't bear to live anymore. It was like his life was heading for a system overload; or perhaps it was already there. He couldn't maintain his fake façade any longer. Honestly, he was ready to fall apart at any second and he wanted to end it before anyone was there to witness it.

_My father!_

Those two words, they were still haunting him days later. He knew they would for the rest of his life if he didn't do something about it. The way he screamed it at Ross; it even scared himself. He _felt _the fire burn within his own eyes and at that moment, he didn't recognize his voice; he didn't recognize the anger that was held in those two words. Those words, those two fucking words broke him for two reasons; because it was true, Mark Ford Brady is…or was his father, and two, because everyone now knew it.

_I'm probably the laughing stock of the squad room by now._

He feared what would happened if he had to walk back into 1PP.

Bobby has a sharp memory; no one can claim that he doesn't. He remembers a lot of things. Many things he forgets overtime due to the lack of not needing to know, but the one thing he will never forget was the conversation in Ross' office. It was during _that _case, the last case he worked on that made him want to go over the edge. It was the one that _pushed _him over the edge; and he was still falling, headfirst. It was Declan's actions and confessions that made him wish he were dead.

_The son of a bitch, he had my brother killed._

Bobby yearned to have the support from both Ross and Alex, especially at a time like that, but it was a loss cause. Truthfully, it had been like a slap in the face to Bobby; slapping him back to reality. He was reminded that day why he kept to himself. Truthfully, he'd failed even before he walked into the room. It was the first time in eight years, after leaving his Captains office that he truly felt alone. He wept that night because of it. Everyone had turned their back on him, and while their back was turned, the idea came to him.

After Bobby got Declan Gage to confessed, which wasn't a hard task, he went back home that night to his empty apartment. That was two nights ago.

He didn't anticipate this to happen. He sure in the hell didn't anticipate _anyone _finding out about his father, but it was the last straw. He hated it. He hated everyone that knew it. He didn't want to be the laughing stock anymore. He didn't want to be known as a freak or the whack job any longer. He felt lifeless and that alone made him realize that it was finally time.

_Like Declan said…I'm free._

Realizing he'd been standing in his door way for several minutes, Bobby walked further into his apartment and looked around the room. He immediately noticed that his lap top was still on. He gradually walked over to it and just stared at it; as if it would supply him with all the answers he sought after. He had to tie up any loose ends he may have, no matter how irrelevant they were to his final act. Bobby reached down to shut it off but pulled his hand away just short of the power button. Instead, he sat down at his desk and double-clicked on Internet Explorer.

He didn't know what made him do it, he had no reason for it, but he typed the word 'suicide' into Google. Less than a second later, millions of websites popped up in reference to the three syllable word.

_No, no. I need to see the definition. I need to see what I'm doing to myself._

He knew the definition, though, and he most certainly knew the consequences of that single word. Bobby knew more about psychology than most psychologists themselves, but he needed to _see _the definition. He demanded to see the words in front of him. He _needed _to see what he was going to do to himself.

After realizing he needed to add the word 'definition' after suicide, he went to type it in when something caught his eye.

_**Suicide: Read This First **_

His eyes were fixed on those four words on the screen; almost like they were mocking him, daring him to click on the words. He didn't know why he did it. He didn't _plan _for this to happen, he didn't want anything to hold him back any further, but for some reason he found himself clicking on the link.

_What am I doing?_

The website instantly caught his eye. It was dark, yet still inviting with a black background and grayish-white writing with crimson red writing every so often.

His eyes slowly read the top: _**If you are thinking about suicide… read this first.**_

He blinked. He couldn't believe it, but he began to cry. He swore he would never cry again. He promised himself that there would never be another reason to cry or to ache the way he did. He clenched his jaw and then picked his hands up off the keyboard and held them in the air in front of him. He was unsure what to do. He rubbed his hands over his mostly grey 5'oclock shadow and looked back towards the screen.

It was then that he reached for his gun.

Bobby pulled it out of his holster and gazed at it. He tightened his grip on it, tighter than necessary, and then loosened it a few times; as if he was toying with himself. He knew he had time though. He knew Alex wouldn't see the letter he left for her for hours and no one else would come looking for him, so he started to read the words on the screen again. He hated himself for it, but he couldn't resist. He still held his gun in his left hand but it was resting on the desk as well.

_**If you are feeling suicidal now, please stop long enough to read this…**_

It was the beginning of the first paragraph and already it had him intrigued. He wondered what this person was going to tell him. He had to know. He continued to scan through it, holding his head down in some spots, shaking it others. After reading four, he counted, four paragraphs he saw a quote in the middle of the screen. It was one of the things that were in red. He scrolled down until it was centered on his lap top and then read it.

His face scrunched, so he read it again.

_**Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.**_

He blinked away the oncoming tears and thought about it. He must've read it at least ten times. He broke it down and tried to decipher what it meant. He wished at that time that he had never opened up the link, but something told him to keep reading…so he did, he kept reading. He couldn't seem to stop himself once he started.

_**You are not a bad person, or crazy, or weak, or flawed because you feel suicidal…**_

By this time he was thoroughly engrossed in what he was reading so he continued on; re-reading some of the parts that stood out the most.

_**When pain exceeds pain-coping resources, suicidal feelings are the result. You can survive suicidal feelings if you do either of two things: 1. find a way to reduce your pain, or 2. find a way to increase your coping resources. Both are possible.**_

Bobby blinked and looked down at the next paragraph. It listed five things for him to think about. He read them slowly, making sure he picked up all words precisely how they were written. After reading all five carefully, another quote was poised in the middle of the page. It was in red again.

_**Now: I'd like you to call someone.**_

_Call someone? _

He saw those words, he re-read the statement several times and it almost made him throw up because of it. His head began to spin.

"Call someone?" He snickered out loud. "I have no one you fucking idiot!" He finally yelled with as much venom as his body would exhibit. "No one!" He stood up, picking the gun up as he rose and pointed it at his chest in no particular spot. "No one to call! I have no one that cares!" He roared. "This is my life! Nobody else's!" And then he froze; his yelling's seized and his apartment became deathly silent

_This is my life! _He thought. _This is my life! _He repeated in his head over and over again. It was the other phrase he would never forget. It too haunted him. _I can't take any of this anymore. It's now or never_. He thought.

He pulled the gun up so it was aimed at his head. He was ready to shoot himself, he was ready to end it; his finger was on the trigger…and it was then that he remembered. It was almost as if someone had finally knocked some sense into him.

_Alex._

He had one person.

_Oh god._

After everything that had happened throughout the eight years of their partnership, she was still with him. She had pulled him aside after the blowup at Rodgers and had calmed him down. She had stated her reasons, she told him she was trying to clear him, and he never believed her…until now. He wouldn't _allow _himself to believe her until this very second.

"Oh god…" He whispered and covered his mouth with his free hand. He felt ashamed. It was no longer _his_ brain screaming no; it was his brain visualizing _her _screaming no. He visualized her running after him and trying to stop him before he could harm himself.

_Oh no…_

He sank back into the chair he was just in. He began to whimper, just like a dog that was too small to jump up on a tall bed. He didn't try to stop it. He was psychically shaking when he reached over to his desk drawer and pulled out a single picture. It was _the _picture. He'd kept it all these years. It was a picture of him and Alex; the one he managed to snap of the both of them with a Polaroid camera early into their partnership.

_Does she even care? Would she even miss me…?_

Bobby still held his gun in his left hand, but his grip on the picture was much tighter.

* * *

**A/N: If you really want to get more**_** into**_** the story, read the website. I did ****not**** make this website up. To get to the website type in the word 'suicide.' It should be the second website you can click on. You'll see it, it says: **_**Suicide: Read This First**__, _**just like in the story.**

**Disclaimer:** **I am not attempting to mock this site or anyone's views, opinions, beliefs, or occurrences about or on suicide. I found this site while reading about suicide. In fact, this story was very different until I found this website. I didn't originally plan on incorporating any website into this story until I read the whole thing and decided to change things around.**

**Also, one of Bobby's thoughts was: ****Suicide is man's way of telling God, "You can't fire me - I quit."**** That is actually a quote by Bill Maher. Just wanted to give credit where credit is due.**

**As for Bobby's age, I went off Nicole's printout in the episode "Antithesis" (Bobby's birth date is August 20, 1961).**

**The next chapter will deal with Alex. Thanks for reading and please be patient with the updates!**

**-Snyder-**


	2. Chapter 2: Uncertainty in her heart

**Disclaimer:** Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

**Spoiler: **"In The Wee Small Hours."

**CHAPTER 2: Uncertainty in her heart**

Alex's entire family observed her closely; her father more so than others. He saw the worry that was held in her dark eyes. Her body language wasn't any better. She was slack-like; as if her legs were too weak to hold up the rest of her body. She looked like she was willing to give up; as if all the effort she put in wasn't worth it anymore. She wasn't smiling as much as she used to either. Alex usually put on a brave face when she went to see her family, but today she didn't feel like it. Something had changed in her; something that told her not to hide her feelings any longer. There was no point. There never really was because they always knew.

She bit her lip while she recalled back to the short conversation she had this morning with Bobby. She was out on the deck, gazing over the backyard she used to run around in when she was a kid; the time when she was worry free. Alex had been there maybe an hour but had hardly said a thing. That's when her father walked up behind her and softly whispered her name. She turned to look at her father and was about to speak when he nodded his head. He understood. It was written all over his face. He didn't need to ask what she was worried about; her whole family already knew. Alex had filled them in that night after it had happened. After she hung up the phone, she found herself crying for Bobby.

Her father, John Eames, is a retired NYPD police officer. He'd heard all the rumors about Robert Goren before they became partners. He was worried for his daughter and he sure in the hell didn't want her to be partners with the departments whack job. He continued to tell Alex to request a new partner; finally, one day she listened. It was less than a month into their partnership when she submitted _that _letter. Her father was the main reason for it. Alex truly didn't understand Robert Goren and she figured she never would. She _did_ think he was erratic, she _did_ think he exhibited antisocial behavior and she _did_, at times, feel he displayed signs of volatile and bizarre interrogation techniques. She had serious doubts about his judgment and mental stability as well which eventually lead her to submitting the letter.

And then she withdrew her request. Her father wasn't happy. Alex recanted the letter for two reasons: Deakins had asked her to wait a few more weeks, which she agreed to, but there was something else that ultimately changed her mind. During the first week of contemplation, Alex saw something in her Robert Goren's eyes. She witnessed something that told her that he'd never lie to her or hurt her on purpose. His eyes, they spoke in volumes and they asked her to stay. They were so gentle and soft. She remembers a certain case not even a week after she'd submitted the letter. She recalled the instance vividly because it was largely related to the reasons she withdrew the letter. They both were walking out of the interrogation room after closing a difficult case. They worked together as a team and got the confession they needed. She'll never forget the look he had on his face when she caught a glimpse of him as he held the door open for her. He smiled at her; no words needed to be said. She also remembers glancing up into his eyes just then and making eye contact with him after everyone had left the room…and that's when she saw it. It was that one emotion he never exhibited for any partner before. His eyes sparkled with trust and admiration and it was that night that she went to Deakins and withdrew the letter. It was that day that something had changed between them. Alex knew then that Bobby finally trusted her and she was well aware of the fact that trust was hard to come by when it came to Robert Goren. Now, eight years later she was still with her corky partner and she knew that he made her a better person. Her father even told her that once. He realized that Bobby would never hurt her intentionally, but even more so, he realized that he would always protect her. John Eames slept better knowing that.

"Something doesn't feel right." Alex finally whispered after what seemed liked hours of daydreaming about the past.

Her father surveyed her but had no intention of speaking just yet. He didn't need to ask the topic of conversation.

"It's too soon…" _To leave him alone. _"I need to…" _See him. _Her voice faded before she could finish either statement.

Alex's distress was shown just then; she had despair in her eyes and her father could've sworn he heard fear in her voice. He didn't need to ask what she was fearful of.

"Go to him, Alex." Her father replied and pulled her in for a hug.

After a few seconds Alex pulled back from the hug and looked into her fathers eyes in amazement. She saw a smile on her fathers' lips and she weakly matched it. She quickly hugged him one more time, said goodbye to her family, and then left. There was no need to explain her behavior or quick departure; more than likely everyone already knew.

The drive back to her home wasn't long. She wanted to stop by to change, but mainly to grab an overnight bag. She knew no matter what Bobby said, no matter how much he may scream and yell at her, she was still staying the night as his apartment. She needed to be with him. She couldn't possibly know what was going on inside his head, but she had a bad feeling about it.

_Something was off this morning. He sounded…different. I shouldn't have left him alone. I just know I shouldn't have…_

After quickly packing up a few necessities, she made her way to the front door. She quickly locked it and was in such a hurry she almost missed the note that was now on the ground in front of her door outside. She couldn't believe she'd missed it when she got home. She looked at it briefly and then quickly scooped it up and ran to her car. She was too worried about Bobby to be concerned with an unaddressed envelope.

If only she knew what it entitled.

Alex didn't dare count the traffic violations she committed on the way over to Bobby's. She didn't care; she just needed to get to him. It was a gut feeling telling her to go to him and she'd always relied on it. She tried to call him once on his cell phone but it went straight to voicemail. That only made her drive faster.

_Relax. _She kept telling herself. _He's probably just sleeping…_

Once in front of his place, she noticed there were no parking spots. She then noticed an older couple walking to their car and decided to wait for them.

While waiting for the older couple to pull out, she spotted the envelope out of the corner of her eye. It was sitting on the seat of her car, next to her purse where she had tossed it. Noting that the older couple was just getting into their car, she turned her blinker on and then went back to the letter. She wondered who it was from. She never guessed it would be from Bobby. She slowly opened it and got as far as her name when she heard someone honking. She set down the letter, trying as hard as she could not to flip the person off behind her whom was honking, and pulled into the spot. Once she shut the engine off, she went back to the letter. It began with, 'Alex_.' _It wasn't long. She scanned it quickly, but when she saw the words "I'm so sorry" and "Love Forever, Bobby" on it towards the end, she quickly exited her car and raced up towards his apartment.

"Oh god, no. No, no, no. Bobby, don't you dare." She whispered to herself as she climbed the stares just as he did. It was faster than waiting for the elevator.

_Bobby, please, please don't do anything stupid. I don't know what I'd do if I ever lost you…_

Once she got to the third floor, Alex looked down the hallway and saw his apartment door. It looked to be miles away. She ran towards it as fast as she could. Once there, Alex started to pound on the door with all her might. She reached for the door handle while crying out his name and practically fell through the threshold when the unlocked door swung open.

* * *

**A/N: I know I'm evil for leaving it there. I'm having surgery tomorrow morning [Friday] on my ankle and wanted to update before then, so bare with me for the next update. I guess I could update when I'm stoned and blame the spelling and grammar errors on the meds. LMAO.**

**Quick note, I like the name John Eames. My dads name is John, so I just decided to use that name (shrugs). Also, obviously I made up the reasons why Alex submitted that letter. We all remember the episode and we all have our opinion about it. Lord knows I do! Anyway, I just thought that tied in nicely, so I added it.**

**Anyway, the next chapter will be a short and shift back to Bobby. Thanks for reading (smiles). I wonder who actually went and looked at that website...? (Looks around to see if anyone's raising their hand). LOL **

**Thanks for the reviews.**

**-Snyder-**


	3. Chapter 3: Saying goodbye is the hardest

**Disclaimer:** Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

**CHAPTER 3: Saying goodbye is the hardest **

Bobby was still sitting in the chair. His entire body was motionless; as if he were too stunned to move. His face felt paralyzed. The only movement he made was the very slow blinking of his eyes every minute or so and even that seemed like a waste of energy.

_I never realized_… He blinked. _I can't believe it…but I never realized…_

Bobby never realized how much Alex undoubtedly meant to him. He recognized the fact that he cared about her, even loved her, but Bobby never fathomed the idea that it was _the _love that was so true and deep inside of him. He wanted her so badly just then. He wanted to confess things to her; he wanted to tell her everything. That same painful ache of wanting to see her was resurfacing; even after he denied himself such a request. Even after he told himself he couldn't see her because she'd ruin his plan, all that was falling apart now. Fuck his plan. He didn't care about that; he just wanted to see her face again. He wanted to hear her soft, sweet voice one more time. It was calming, soothing to him. Just the thought of it slowed his breathing down.

He was unaware of the fact that Alex was on her way over; almost at his apartment in fact. Bobby couldn't comprehend the possibility that she actually might care for him. He couldn't fathom the idea that she'd actually _want _to be with him. He certainly didn't plan for her to show up.

_No one cares about me. She can't possibly…not the way I do for her. God, she's stayed by me for so long… Why, Alex, why?_

At that moment in time Bobby yearned for her so bad that he physically hurt all over, but he refused to ruin her day; he refused to ruin her _life._ He realized that if he did call her, it would put her through unnecessary stress and he couldn't do that to her. He'd forbidden himself to call her; dismissing the idea quicker than it came to him. No matter how much he wanted to beg for her to come over, his stubbornness got the best of him. She needed a break; a break from him. He immediately felt a pang of guilt for even thinking such a notion.

_I've already ruined her career…_ He mused. _I can't ruin her family time too…_

So he did the only thing he could do; he continued to sit there solemnly. He knew he needed help; he just refused to allow himself to call that one person he knew he needed most; and besides her, there truly was no one else. It was getting to the point that he was almost waiting for some sort of human contact. He started to feel cold. He didn't believe it was possible, but he started to feel more solitary than before. He started to hope someone, it didn't matter who, would show up and rescue him.

_But do I really want to be rescued? _He felt a bad migraine building up.

All people do it at some point in time; they sit and wait for someone to knock on their door, or for their phone to ring; it doesn't matter the person at a time like this. Human contact is the key variable. It's synonymous to the times when you feel the loneliest even though you're walking in a crowded, pubic area. It's kind of a scary feeling because of the reality of it all. It deals with the question that's been proposed many times: "Is it possibly to feel lonely in a crowded room?" For Bobby, it was. Hell, at times, even in 1PP he felt alone even though he was surrounded by dozens of police officers and detectives. These classifications of people who are constantly down get a joy or a slight spark of life just by a quick nod or a small smile their way. And that's what he was waiting for; _that _quick nod or smile his way. Bobby never cared before, he was happy when people left him alone, but this was different. The sad part about it was, he knew no one was looking for him; no one was going to barge into his apartment because no one would dare disturb the whack job. Yesterday he'd even thought about calling Deakins, but he quickly dismissed that idea and told himself it was juvenile for thinking he could help.

Finally, Bobby started to move again. He lethargically tilted his head down to look at his gun. It felt larger in his hand than he remembered. He picked it up just then; it felt much heavier than he remembered too. It was warm though, almost inviting; if only because of how long he'd been holding it. Once again Bobby lifted the gun towards himself. He aimed the 9mm at his large frame as the tears continued to pour down his unshaven face. He licked a few salty tears away as he looked back down to the picture he was holding of him and Alex.

He knew it was time. He knew it was the right thing to do.

"Eames…Alex…I'm so sorry." He whispered. "I just can't go on any longer. I can't do _this _anymore…" He sobbed. "I love you…" He murmured and only wished Alex could hear those three words. He wished he could hear those three words _back._

And then he brought the gun up to the entrance of his mouth. Slowly he opened his mouth and pushed the gun past his lips and teeth. It felt cold all of a sudden, nothing like it did a few seconds ago, and he shivered because of it. He placed his finger on the trigger and closed his eyes.

There was a loud bang just then and everything seemed to go black.

* * *

**A/N: I'm just full of evil endings, aren't I? Sorry this is so short. The next chapter will be the last and will hopefully be up soon. Sorry it's taken me so long to update; I just haven't felt well and am still trying to deal with all the pain and crap I'm going through…so be patient with me! I'm not sure how well done this is, but it'll have to work for now. The next chapter will include **_**both **_**Bobby and Alex. Thanks for reading.**

**-Snyder-**


	4. Chapter 4: Some goodbyes are forever

**Disclaimer:** Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

**CHAPTER 4: Some goodbyes are forever**

_Bang. _

"Bobby!" Alex screamed.

_Thud._

And then there was silence; the whole room went mute, time stood still for a split second, though it seemed like hours.

_That's weird. I swear I just heard… _And that's as far as Bobby's reflection got when the sound turned back on. It was louder than ever, and it was his name he heard again.

_Oh god, Bobby, no._

_Alex? _

Bobby unconsciously tried to mumble a "huh," more to himself than anyone, but it came out more as a gargled, muffled sound since the barrel of the gun was still in his mouth.

He forced himself to open his eyes just then. He'd completely forgotten about the gun for the moment while he surrendered to the sound of _that _soft voice. Once he tried to speak, more importantly, once he opened his eyes, however, he instantaneously spotted the gun poised and aimed directly at him; between his teeth, lightly resting on his lower lip. There was no reason to be surprised by the sight, but something about seeing _his _own gun seated on his bottom lip made him quiver. His eyes widened just then; not because of the gun, but because he heard his name for the third time. Everything seemed in slow motion to him. Finally he forced himself to turn his head in the direction the voice was coming from; the barrel of the gun was still in his mouth.

"Bobby!" Alex screamed at the top of her lungs. Her eyes widened; so did his. Nothing else in the world mattered. "Bobby, don't you dare!" She cried out as her voice continued to shake the apartment walls.

He heard her, he saw her, and he swore he heard fear in her voice. It wasn't anger or resentment he imagined she'd exhibit, it was worry. She looked terror-stricken. Just then there was fear in _his _eyes, but he didn't panic, he didn't scream, he didn't yell back or even cry…he froze.

_Oh god, no. No, no, no. Please, no. She can't see this. This can't be real… She can't witness this. She can't see me fall apart before her eyes. She can't know that her 6'4" partner isn't as strong as he looks…_

But it was real. There was no was to pretending it wasn't, and truthfully, Bobby did look powerless.

Bobby turned his head away from Alex but his hearing was better than ever. He heard her shut the door, he heard her toss her things on the ground, and he heard her slowly walk towards him. He only glanced her way when he heard some sort of a whimper come from the vicinity she was in; he didn't dare look her in the eyes though. He did see, however, her arms outstretched in the direction of him with her palms face up. As she walked towards him, she looked so broken; as if she were about to crumble into a million pieces. He wondered how she was holding it together so well. He noticed her hands were trembling and he couldn't he but notice his were too.

Slowly, Bobby raised his head up a few more inches; just enough to look her in the eyes. Once their eyes locked, however, Bobby felt he was going to lose it. Alex unconsciously shivered at the sight of him. She couldn't control the slight intake of breath and the tremor that shot through her entire body. She took in his face and noted that it was red and puffy, which told her he'd been crying for a while now. He looked so hopeless, so worn out; as if he had nothing in this world to live for. Her heart rate quickened as time seemed to standstill. She'd never been in this position before. She'd never had to talk her best friend, the person she loved dearly, out of killing himself. She felt as though she'd been kicked in the gut.

No one should ever be in this position.

"Bobby, please, please give me the gun." She began to plead with him. It was the first thing she thought to say. Really, what else was there? She was surprised how steady her voice was.

And that's when Bobby's big brown eyes vastly widened. He realized right then and there that there was no way he could do it with her here; not that he wanted to. He just wanted that human contact, and _that _human contact that showed up turned out to be the person he wanted the most.

_Eames? She's…here? Oh, god…_

He blinked to make sure; his body, however, was still frozen in the same position. He was hesitant, unsure of what was going to happen next, but now that Alex waswith him, he prayed that things would somehow be manageable.

After what appeared to be an eternity, Bobby finally seemed to gain back some feeling in his left hand. The shaking hadn't subsided, but he managed to pull the gun out of his mouth. Slowly pulling it away from his face, he brought it down so it was resting on his thigh; his grip was still tight on the gun, however.

"Alex?" He eventually asked. It came out so softly that if she hadn't been looking at his face and seen his lips move when he spoke, she would've never heard him. Bobby was still in disbelief, but he had to say her name, her first name. He was happy to get that much out.

_Why is she here? Is she really here? It's still early, isn't it? She should be at her parents' house…not here with me. She can't see this. She can't see how fucked up I really am..._

The look on his face just then, Alex will never forget. In all the confusion and angst in his facial expressions, somewhere through it all, he almost looked relieved to see her.

_Oh god, he needs someone. He needs me. I should've known. I never knew things were this bad. I should've known… _She kept repeating to herself as she took in his lonesome features. _I just should've known…_

Alex noted the bags under his eyes; there were dark, bold lines outlining them and she could tell he was struggling to keep them open. His face was unshaved as well, although he doesn't shave much anymore anyway. He was definitely not the same spunky, clean-cut man she used to know. The man she used to know was a distant memory now.

Alex whispered his name again as she continued to walk towards him. She noticed he was in a pair of jeans; an old pair by the looks of them. He also had a plain black t-shirt on which was tightly fitting in the chest and arms. As scruffy and unkempt as he appeared to be, Alex still thought he looked good. No matter what he wore, no matter how he looked, she would always love him because he was Robert Goren; the man that claimed her heart.

"Bobby…" Alex said. She was trying to pull him from his current thoughts. She was well aware of how dark they were. She stopped no more than a couple feet away from him and continued, "Bobby, can I please have the gun?" She asked again a little louder.

It was then that Bobby looked down and examined the gun he was holding. He inspected the gun as if he'd never seen it before in his life.

"Eames…" He went back to her last name. "I—" He began but promptly clamped his mouth shut when he saw the look on her face.

Alex resembled a person whom was deeply upset; like she'd just lost someone she loved. In all honestly, she looked like she was about to cry. Bobby's facial expression changed right away. He no longer looked uncertain; he now presented signs of anger mixed with an unhealthy bit of angst.

_I've never seen her cry. Not once…until now. And to make things worse, I'm the cause… I'm the one making her cry…_

"Bobby…" She blurted out when she saw him tighten his hold on the gun. Alex recognized the confusion and anger he held and she immediately knew his anger wasn't directed towards her; he was hateful towards himself. "Please, Bobby, please give me the gun." She said and prayed that god was listening.

_Please don't let me lose another man I love. I'll do anything…just please… God, Bobby… _Before she could beg, before she could pray any further, Alex was pulled out of her musings by some sort of movement in front of her.

Bobby unconsciously lifted his right hand up as he took in her unreadable look. He wondered what she was thinking about; he hated not knowing. He broke eye contact with Alex just then and it scared her. She was a nervous wreck and was ready to lunge forward at any moment when she froze. Instead of practically pouncing on him, she watched him as he looked down towards his lap. Bobby gazed at the photo once more. Alex followed his gaze and tried to get a better look at the picture he was looking at, but failed.

It was then that Bobby closed his eyes. A few tears silently fell down his cheeks and onto his lap. Visions of what he was about to do flashed before him just then. He saw his own body lying lifelessly on the cold floor of his apartment. He saw a pool of blood slowly surround him. He saw himself as his breathing became labored until his chest finally stopped rising completely. Bobby realized that no one was running towards him in this time; that no one cared about him…and then he saw Alex. She was screaming at him, pleading for him to stop.

"Bobby?" Alex softly questioned. She noticed the tears streaming down his face and resisted the urge to reach out and wipe them away with her thumb. Alex knew all too well that the gears in his head were not just running, they were jamming.

Bobby wanted to get up and run to her, but he was still frozen; almost in awe as to the fact that she was there with him, witnessing this all take place before her eyes.

Alex took a few small steps towards him, not enough to scare him, and tried to get a better look at the picture he was gazing at. She figured it was a picture of his mother or brother but before she could get a good look at it, he pulled it up against his chest to hide it.

After a few seconds, Bobby looked back up towards her. Salty tears continued to pour out of his tear ducts; they didn't seem to want to stop, but he didn't care.

"You are…you're not supposed to be here…" He whispered as the tears continued to fall. His eyes held nothing but despair. He looked so desperate just then. "I didn't want y-you to…" _See me like this. _He failed to say the last part, however. Bobby had that same hopeless look he had the last time he was in an interrogation room; it was right after Declan had told him he was free. He had a glimmer of hope in him, but he kept his hold on the gun in his left hand and the picture in his right. "You're s-supposed to be with…with y-your family a-all day." He exclaimed and held his head.

"Bob—" Alex began, but was quickly cut her off by Bobby. He wasn't done. He needed to get everything out, so she clamped her mouth shut and let him.

"This…it isn't…it wasn't s-supposed to happen like this." He whispered more to himself than to her. He swallowed hard and then whispered, "Why?" He asked as he looked back up to meet her eyes. He saw the questioning look on her face, so he continued. "Why are you h-here?" He asked so softly it surprised her. He looked back down to the picture he was holding in his right hand. He continued to shield it from her with his large paw; he wasn't ready for her to see it just yet.

"I left early…from my parents' house because I was worried about you. I wanted…I _needed_ to see you…to make sure you were ok." _And to make sure you didn't do something stupid like this. _

And right on cue, Bobby whispered, "You mean to make sure I didn't do something stupid…" He looked back up in time to see her nod.

Alex couldn't help but be curious about the picture he continued to look at. She noted the way he looked at it; like he admired the person or persons in the picture. She was curious who was in it and why he was holding the picture so tightly.

_Why doesn't he want me to see it_? _I can tell by the way he was holding it that it means a lot to him. He treasures it…and when Bobby Goren treasures something, it means an awful lot to him._

"How did you know?" He asked softly a few moments later.

She didn't need to ask what he was talking about; they were on the same page.

"I…" She was hesitant and this made Bobby look up at her. "Something just felt wrong. Something felt off with the conversation we had this morning. I couldn't stop thinking about it, or you at my parents' house." She admitted. "They could see how worried I was about you; it was obvious." She disclosed.

"You shouldn't have to w-worry about me…" He murmured. "You should _never_ have to worry about me…" He said, putting emphasis on the word 'never.' Alex wanted so badly at that moment to reach out and hug him. She always worried about him and she knew she always would.

_Does he really think I don't worry about him?_

Alex was about to speak again but decided to try a different approach. She closed the distance between them somewhat and was less than a foot away from him when she reached her hand out towards Bobby. Bobby looked at her in utter confusion. He was about to speak when she looked down at the picture he held. He sighed, knowing what she wanted. He knew she wouldn't give up until she got what she wanted so he slowly pulled his hand away from his chest and held the picture out for her to take. He looked shameful when he did; almost embarrassed about it.

When she finally managed to grab the picture from him, Alex couldn't control her next reaction. She was happy he wasn't looking at her. Alex's eyebrows rose, her jaw dropped slightly, and her eyes widened in amazement and astonishment. Alex knew she'd be embarrassed if he saw her reaction. In a New York minute, she recognized where the picture was from and she couldn't help but smile in admiration. Bobby never actually showed her the picture after he took it, but she knew what it was from. She couldn't believe he'd kept it all this time. It made her heart soar because she often wondered what he did with it. She figured, after a few years, Bobby probably just threw it away.

_But why is he holding it so tightly? Especially now…at a time like this. And why does he look so ashamed?_

"You look so happy here." She finally murmured as she continued to admire the picture of them together.

Bobby dared to look up at her. "I was…" He admitted. _I was with you…how could I not have been happy?_

"I can't believe you kept it all these years." She said and her smile only enlarged. Bobby was relieved to see her smile; she showed no sighs of disapproval or hatred because he'd kept it all these years. In fact, he thought she looked appreciative that he'd kept it the entire time. Bobby was thankful for it.

_She doesn't think it's ridiculous? _

"Bobby, can I please have the gun?" She asked as she set the picture on the desk.

Again, more tears started to fall and it made Alex tear up as well. Somehow, however, she held it together. She refused to let her tears fall. Now wasn't the time for her to fall apart. She needed to be strong for him, because she knew he sure in the hell wasn't in any shape to be right now.

"This is all wrong. You're not s-supposed to be here." He said again. He was clearly still in disbelief. "Y-you weren't supposed t-to see me like this." He said almost like he was in a trance. "I'm so sorry…you deserve so much more…"

"Bobby!" She stated and realized she'd said it a tad bit too loud when she saw him jump. "I'm here…" She said in her soft, reassuring voice. "And I'm glad I'm here." She whispered. "Bobby, please. You—" And that's as far as she got.

One minute she was pleading for Bobby to let go of the gun and the next thing she knew, he was in her arms crying. He was still sitting in the chair, but he was leaning forward so that his head rested on her abdomen. He easily wrapped his large, lengthy arms across her petite waist and pulled her into him as much as humanly possible. She stood in between his legs as his cries shook her to the core. She didn't dare pull away, not that she wanted to. Before Alex wrapped her arms around him, she needed to get the gun. She reached over to his left forearm and lightly trailed her hand down it until she came into contact with the gun. She grabbed it and pulled it out of his hand. He didn't resist. He let her take it because he sure in the hell didn't want it. He wanted to be as far away from it as possible.

"Take it. I d-don't want it…" He murmured against her stomach.

_I just want you…_

Alex chose not to say anything just yet. She set the gun on the edge of the desk, knowing full well that Bobby wouldn't try and go for it, and then turned back around and held her large, yet soft-hearted partner.

They held each other for a good five minutes. In this time, Bobby never uttered a single word. Alex was slightly surprised by this and by his actions, but then as she thought about it further, not so much. The time had finally come for them to open up. She realized just then that this was their first actual hug. She'd wanted to hug him for years, but she figured he didn't want to. She assumed it was just one of _his _rules and she didn't want to cross _those _boundaries. As Alex continued to tightly hold onto him, she remembered that Bobby had no one to comfort him any longer; not that he really did before. His mother wasn't much of a mother to him; his brother was a loss-cause, and his father…he was the worst, the hardest blow of them all. Bobby had no one to confide in and love him the way he should be loved. She couldn't help but wonder when the last time was someone had hugged him just for the sake of doing so.

Alex was the first one to pull away. She leaned back slightly and, without delay, she felt Bobby's powerful arms grasp her tightly and pull her back to him. One of her hands immediately went to the top of his head.

_Don't leave me, Alex. Not yet. _He thought. He only realized he'd said those words out loud when Alex answered his cries for help.

"Bobby…" She said so softly that it caused Bobby's body to shake. She was surprised he'd used her first name again. "I'm not going anywhere, I promise. It's ok…" She soothing said and softly ran her hand through his hair. Bobby wanted to tell her that it wasn't ok; that none of this was ok, but he couldn't because he wanted to believe her. "I'm not going anywhere, Bobby, but we _do _need to talk." She reassured him once more; and right now, to Bobby, reassurance was golden.

"I'm sorry, A-Alex. I just… I don't know what else I can s-say but I'm just…I'm s-sorry…" He whispered. He looked so damaged when she gazed into his eyes as he continued to apologize.

_He may be damaged goods, but he's all mine. _

* * *

**A/N: Ok, so I lied. This was **_**supposed **_**to be the last chapter, but I decided to add a few more sentences; those turned into several paragraphs, and well, another chapter. LOL I figured this was a good place to stop; see, not an evil ending =) I didn't plan to, but the next chapter briefly touches base on what happened in "Purgatory." The next chapter should be the last. =)**

**-Snyder-**


	5. Chapter 5: Emotions of anger surface

**Disclaimer:** Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

**Spoilers:** "Purgatory," "Frame," etc.

**CHAPTER 5: Emotions of anger surface**

Alex noticed how exhausted Bobby looked as he continued to apologize. He was having problems holding himself up. The last case, it sucked the life out of him. She was well aware of that fact that he has trouble sleeping as it is, but now, with the death of his brother and Nicole, along with his father's identity revealed and Declan's confession, she knew it didn't help. She could only imagine the thoughts running through his head when he lies down at night; if he even attempts to.

She began to rub his back in attempt to halt his apologies; to try and let him know that it was _ok_. It really wasn't; none of this was ok, but it had to be for now.

When Bobby lifted his head up, when their eyes met once more, it took everything Alex had not to cry with him. He looked so worn out. Alex's knows he doesn't want her to, but honestly, she does feel sorry for him. Really, how could someone not? Alex recognizes that his life, well, it's fucked up; it's in shambles right now and she feels utterly useless. So, she did the only thing she could do at the moment, she pulled him into her again. Bobby took it as a sign of her accepting his apology and easily wrapped his arms around her small waist yet again. He was surprised how natural it felt. He wondered why they had never done so before. He couldn't help but sigh in contentment. If she wanted a hug, if she wanted to hold her fucked up partner, then Bobby wasn't going to argue with her. It felt too good, too natural to want to resist.

While Alex continued to hold onto him and reassuringly stroke his back every now and then, she couldn't help but wonder about all the stress he'd endured the past couple of years or so; especially recently. As she wrapped her arms securely around him as much as her arms would reach, she thought about his mind and body. Alex couldn't help but think that, if this were 7 years early, she'd be able to wrap her arms completely around him. She knew the stress he'd encountered over the years most definitely took a toll on his body as well as his mental stability. Before his mother passed away, all his free time was spent on her. And, without having to ask, without having to witness it, she knows, she just fucking knows that he put his mother ahead of himself and that's what angered Alex the most. Bobby definitely wasn't getting any younger by any means; his hair was graying faster than ever, he didn't seem to care whether he shaved or not, his weight gain also concerned her, and he was walking stiffer than ever before. She wouldn't admit it to him, but Alex is thankful his mother is finally out of the picture. She can only hope now that somehow, with her help, Bobby will get his life back in order. She hopes that after so many years, at last Bobby can finally have peace in his life.

She pulled back again and looked him in the eyes. She felt her knees go weak for a split. There was only one physical feature about Robert O. Goren that hadn't changed and that was his eyes. No matter what, they always told a story; they always told the truth. Right now, they were screaming for help and begging for forgiveness. In all honestly, Alex wanted to be angry with him, but she knew it would only hinder the healing process. Quite frankly, if all this had happened to her, she couldn't deny that she too would feel the same way he does.

"It's ok, Bobby…" She said. She wanted to throw things _at_ him and ask him what the hell he was thinking, but she pushed those thoughts aside. She had to. "Bobby, why didn't you come to me?" She finally got out. She needed to know. "God, why couldn't you have just told me how you felt? I would've come over here…I would've dropped everything for you…" She said and softly stroked the side of his cheek with the back of her hand.

"No! I-I mean I didn't—" He began and only paused to lick his lips. His mouth seemed so dry all of a sudden. "I didn't want to burden you; especially w-when you're s-spending time with your f-family." He said and Alex felt him quiver when he said the word 'family.' She couldn't help but wince too. "And we…we haven't been on the best of terms l-lately…" He stuttered. He physically cringed after saying it and Alex knew he was waiting for her to yell at him; to hold him accountable for it all once again.

_God, this needs to stop. Now._

"You shouldn't have had to tell me; I shouldn't have had to find out this way…" She said and then whispered, "I should've known. I should have—"

"No!" He yelled and pulled away from her. He jumped up and out of his chair and, of course, started to pace. Alex could only stand back and watch as he continued' she knew not to interrupt him while he was thinking. "Please, don't. Don't feel guilty. It'll only make me feel worse and I don't need that. I…I just need…" And he immediately halted not only his speech but any movement he was making as well.

_Do I dare say it? Do I dare tell her?_

"What?" She asked, prompting him to continue.

"You." He disclosed and closed his eyes. He figured it was useless to try and hide it from her. "I just need you." He muttered so softly that she barely heard him. "I know it's not the best reason to live…" He whispered and then opened his eyes back up to look at her. "But you're it." He said and threw his hands up in the air in surrender. "You're all I have… And…and honestly, if it wasn't for you, I'd be dead; I would've lost it a long time ago…" He sighed. "Lets face it, Alex, you, you keep me grounded."

Alex stared at him in disbelief for a few seconds. She let the words sink in as did he. She couldn't believe how much he was opening up to her. She couldn't believe what he was saying. She glanced back up at him and saw a look of panic on his face just then, so she walked over to him; she needed to reassure him. She knew he was afraid he'd said too much, but it was quite the opposite.

"Why didn't you tell me?" She finally asked once she reached him. "Why couldn't you just tell me?" She repeated as she reached out to him. It was Alex this time that needed to be embraced. It was her that needed support and he was there to catch her.

He wrap his arms around her and then whispered so delicately, "I…I thought I'd already lost you."

"Bobby…" She said and placed the palms of her hands on his chest. "Bobby, just because things have been rocky between us lately doesn't mean I want you out of my life. Do you have any idea how much you mean to me? I can't even fathom the idea of you not being in my life…" She told him and then started to cry. "When I read your note, my heart stopped. I felt as though the whole world was tumbling down on me." She said, though her voice shook. "I…Bobby, God…" She was stumbling over her words now.

"Alex…" He said in such a low voice that it sent a shiver down her spine. "I know sorry doesn't even begin to cut it, but my life…everything is so, so hopeless. I was ready t-to end it, I really was…a-and then…I was reading something…and it made me think of you. It was _you _that ultimately saved me from myself. Even if you hadn't come over here to s-see me, even if you didn't s-show up, I still don't know if I could've…could've done it. You're all I have left." He said as he pulled her back to him.

Alex started to wrap her arms back around him when her anger got the best of her. She brought her first up and started to pound them against his broad chest. She began to cry just then; she didn't care if he saw.

"What where you thinking?" Alex screamed as she continued to pound her fists against his chest. Bobby let her of course; there was no way he was going to stop her. He knew she needed to get it out. "What the fuck were you thinking?" She whispered this time; she was too exhausted to yell again. She then lunged forward and grabbed onto him as tight as she could. She made fists with her hands as she gripped and pulled at his shirt; Bobby could only rub her back soothingly and take the assaults as they came.

"I'm sorry…" He murmured. "I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you…" He began but then stopped. Bobby finally realized something. He realizes that his excuses didn't sound as good as he first thought. Before, it sounded good enough, but now, it just sounded like a lame excuse to get out of living life.

"Bobby!" She sounded angry again and he could only brace himself for another assault. He closed his eyes and waited, but it never came. He opened his eyes and few seconds later to see her staring at him. "I'm sorry, Bobby." She whispered and cried into his chest.

_She's…sorry?_

"What for, Alex? You have nothing to be sorry for?" He said. "I'm the one that's sorry. I just…I was so lonely, so lost. It seemed as though everyone had been taken out of my life; as though my own life was out of my hands." And at that moment Alex pulled away from him and looked at him; if only to remind him. He sighed and continued, "And I'm just now realizing that…" He paused, afraid he was admitting too much, too soon.

"That I actually do care about you?" She finished for him. He nodded slightly and rested his chin on the top of her head.

"Yeah." He murmured, and Bobby all of a sudden felt foolish for not realizing it before.

And that was it, that was the last straw; Alex forgave him. Even after everything that had occurred in the past couple of years, she forgave him; but she knew she would never and could never forget. She also knows she will never _forgive _herself for how hard she was on_ him_. The worse part was the fact that she'll never be able to get the sight of Bobby, standing tall and aiming his gun at her, out of her mind. She could never forget that she too aimed her gun directly at him. But now, now it was over and done with, but Alex now feels it's her fault. She feels that she only helped drive him over the edge by shouting at him, by ignoring him, and by everything else that happened between them.

Alex didn't quite understand where he was coming from before. Really, how was a person that had such a great childhood supposed to try and understand someone that's so lost and hopeless in life?

* * *

**A/N: Lord! I'm never going to finish this. I definitely didn't plan to make it this long. I cut this chapter a little short just so I could at least post something (there will be talk of 'Purgatory' in the next chapter).**

**So, guess what? LOL There will be yet another chapter. Just, you'll know when it's complete when it says 'COMPLETE.' (throws hands in the air and walks off).**

**Please let me know that you're still out there and reading...**

**-Snyder-**


	6. Chapter 6: Things that needed to be said

**Disclaimer:** Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

**Spoilers:** "Purgatory," "Frame," etc. You get the picture.

**CHAPTER 6: ****Things that needed to be said**

_I need to tell him…I'm just not sure how…_

"Bobby…" She said as she latched onto him tighter; she was no longer angry with him. "I know it's hard to tell, especially lately with everything that's been going on—" She began.

"Don't, Alex." He cut her off. "Don't put yourself through this again."

"No, Bobby. It needs to be said. This needs to be said." She admitted and pulled back from him slightly. Without hesitation, she reached up and cupped his face. "I'm sorry, Bobby. I'm so sorry for how I've treated you lately. It's just…it scared me. I thought you went to the other side. I thought you were actually working with Testarossa and Stoat. And then, when I found out you were undercover, I felt so betrayed; I felt as though you didn't trust me enough to tell me or confide in me." She admitted and let her hands slip off his face. "And the worst part about it is, every night I have nightmares about…about it. They're always the same. They always _end _the same; I barge through the door and I…I pull the trigger. I kill you, Bobby, and that frightens me so much; enough to where I fear to even fall asleep. I don't know what I would've done if my hand, my gun was the cause of your death. I could've shot you…" She whispered. "And you didn't seem to care…" She said and then added, "All you seemed to care about was getting god damn badge back."

"Alex…" He whispered and latched his hands onto her now trembling ones. "I…I don't know what I can s-say. I don't know what I can do to make this…this right again. I said I was sorry and I-I _am _sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I just…I told you my reasons, but you…you didn't want to hear it when we were…" He released one of her hands and began to flail his left hand in the air. "When we were t-talking…if you want to call it that." He said and lowered his left hand. "You didn't believe my reasons." He said and let out a breath. "You just told me you hoped it was worth it, detective, and then walked out on me. That hurt so bad, Alex." He admitted and let go of her hand. "That was worse, that hurt more than a-any bullet that could've penetrated me." He muttered and dipped his head down to avoid her eyes.

Alex reached out to grab his hand and led him to the couch; he followed her without hesitation. He trusted her.

After they both sat down on the couch, one facing the other, Alex began to speak again.

"I'm sorry, Bobby." She continued to grip his hand firmly. "I was just so, so angry; I had so many different emotions running through my mind at the moment that I didn't know what to believe. I was hurt…"

He nodded. "But now, now do y-you believe me? I told you I did it not only to…to get my badge back, but to get _back _to _you_. Alex, I realized, not for the first time, when I was on…on leave that I _need _you in my life; I can't function properly without you in it. I already tried once, early in our partnership when you went on leave, and _that_ didn't go so well; I barely held it together. I…I wanted to get my badge back _because _of you. I saw…I looked at it as: if I were to get my badge back, like I did, then it would reassure me that we'd at least be partners still. That's why I did it…but then, it backfired on me and it…I only ruined what we had…" He said in dismay. "I never meant for it to turn out the way it did."

And Alex believed him.

"I believe you." She whispered as a few tears fell. She believed him because she too felt the same way; she can't function without him either.

"Alex, I don't know what's going to happen to my job, to m-my career, but my life is…" And then he stopped. He didn't have a word for it. Fucked up didn't even begin to cover it.

"I know, Bobby, I know."

He nodded. "In the interrogation room, Declan told me that I'm finally free, but…but Alex, free to do what? Am I really free? And free of what? Free to _do _what?" He asked and sighed. He rubbed the back of his neck and pondered, though he couldn't come up with a thing.

_He's going to make himself sick over the last sentence Declan ever said to him. I swear if that son of a bitch wasn't locked up, I'd kill him!_

"Bobby…" She attempted only to be interrupted.

"Alex, I've been thinking about it…a lot. P-Probably more than I should and…and I took that, h-his statement to mean that I'm free of any burdens in my life. But then, if all of my burdens are gone, what am I good for then? A c-clean slate…" Bobby said sarcastically." I'm almost 50! I'm _not _younger than I know like Declan said. My life's well over halfway over. So I ask you, what do I have left?" He quietly asked as he himself pondered.

"You have me." She murmured and couldn't help but smile when she saw the look on Bobby's face; he looked like a deer caught in the headlights. She knew he wasn't expecting that remark. She was glad to know that she could still catch him off guard. Alex scooted over a few inches, leaned forward and kissed him, not on the lips or cheek, but on the forehead. When she pulled back, she looked him in the eyes for a few moments and then murmured, "Don't look so surprised, Bobby. You'll always have me." Alex said and began to stroke the side of his cheek. "My parents told me once, when I was a kid, that when a person kisses you on the forehead, its symbolized care and respect. If a person kissed you on the forehead it meant that they cared about you very much." Bobby blinked away a few tears as he took her last few sentence in. "Bobby, why are you crying?" She asked as she saw him start to shake.

He swallowed hard and then whispered, "Because no one has ever kissed me on the forehead before…"

And that's when Alex started to cry as well. He heart shattered into a million pieces just then; she could no longer keep it together. She couldn't imagine never being cared for or loved before. She couldn't fathom how that felt.

"All you had to do was ask." She said through her own tears and then added, "But you shouldn't have to. You shouldn't have to ask for love, affection, or for anyone to take care of you, Bobby, because you deserve all that and more." She whispered as she grabbed both of his hands. Bobby didn't seem to mind. In fact, he quite enjoyed her continuous touch. It felt reassuring to him. "Bobby…" She continued, "I hate to admit this, but I…I think Declan was right: you _are_ free now. You don't have your mother or brother to worry about any longer." Bobby began to open his mouth, but she placed her hand delicately on his lips to silence him. "And you don't have to worry about Nicole either."

"But what about my father?" He blurted out. Bobby winced after saying the word.

"I don't give a flying fuck about Mark Ford Brady." Alex hissed and couldn't help but notice the look on Bobby's face right after she said it. His eyes were as wide as could be. "Bobby, if you think I'm worried about you turning into him, than you_ have_ lost it." She said quite frankly. "If you think I believed for one minute that you were behind _any _of those murders, than you don't trust me nor have faith in me like I thought you did. Bobby, I was trying to _clear you._" She stated. "Ask Ross if you don't believe me. I was _defending _you. Just because that man, if you can even call him that, was your father, it doesn't all of a sudden make you capable of murder." Alex said and almost immediately noted that Bobby had lowered his head. She knew, by his gesture, that he indeed _did_ think she thought he was capable of it. "Bobby?"

"I'm sorry, Alex. I…I thought that…that you thought I was capable of murder and it…it killed me. It hurt so fucking bad." He said and started to cry once again. "All I could keep thinking was: I knew I should have never trusted you, I should've known I'd get stabbed in the back one day. How you could you…how could my partner think I'd ever do something like…like that?" He admitted. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for not trusting you…" He said. "I just, it's hard for me to trust anyone…"

And as he spoke those last words, Alex finally did what she wanted to do since she's been at his apartment; she swiftly reached up and wiped the oncoming tears away with her thumb. Her thumb felt so soft on his face that he lost his train of thought for a second.

"It's ok, Bobby. There were a lot of things going on in that mind of yours. I can't imagine how it was for you, but…" She bit her lip. She wasn't sure if she should ask or not.

"What?" He asked and looked up at her.

"But why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you tell me about your father? I had to find out from Ross. From _Ross._" She repeated.

"I…I was trying to deal with it m-myself. Some job I did there. I didn't want anyone to know about…about it and now e-everyone knows. I'm afraid to even step into 1PP again. And…and I didn't want you to be…"

"To be what?"

"To be afraid or…or timid of me or a-around me." He whispered. "Look what Mark Ford Brady was; my…my—" He sighed. There was no point in saying it again. She knew.

"Bobby, you're a good man, a great man. Do you really think that that information would change the way I think about you?" She asked but she knew that he did. She saw him nod.

"I just…I'm so tired. I have some many things, so many questions streaming through my head that I want to ask, that I want answered. I just…I want it all to end. I _want _that clean slate Declan was talking about, but I don't feel I have one. I don't feel anything but pain." He admitted. "And, Alex, I'm so, so tired. I can't sleep. I have these nightmares, all kinds of nightmares. A lot of them like yours…" He nodded towards her. "About the…when you came into the room with your gun drawn, but mine is, mine's a bit different. Instead of you shooting me, I…I end up shooting you; those a-are the worst of my dreams. But, I also dream about my…my brother, my mother, m-my…Brady, Declan, and even…even Nicole." He rambled on. "Even since that interrogation with Declan, I've stay up every night to try and decide if…" He drifted off for a second. He was lost in his own thoughts as he began to fidget. "Declan, he asked me who I'd miss more: my brother or Nicole. And, Alex, I really d-don't know. It hurt worse when I found out that my brother was dead, but when I found out Nicole was dead, it _affected _me more. I know it doesn't make any sense, but I just…I wanted all _that _to end. I guess I am a coward; I'm too afraid to face me fears." He finished and then hung his head.

"Bobby, anyone in your position would have questions; I know I would. But, Bobby, you're definitely not a coward. I've never once considered you a coward. To me, you're a hero." She stated.

Bobby's face scrunched in confusion as he murmured, "Some hero."

"You are, Bobby. You're so brave. Look at everything you've overcome. You continue to amaze me what you can do, what you can overcome. It was you that solved the case. It was you that cleared yourself. Even with everything going on in your head, in your life, you still managed to do that. You still managed to prove everyone wrong. I know you're worried about a lot of things. I know you're worried about what people are going to think now, but Bobby, who cares what they think. Who cares what other officers think. You've never cared before, why should it bother you now? Because you shouldn't let it. You're a great detective and I'm proud to be able to work with you."

And through the tears, Bobby managed to weakly smile. "Thanks, Alex. I just, after he said I was free, it made me realize how alone I was going to, to be. Alex, I _need _those burdens in my life; it's what lets me know that I'm still needed. Now, though, I just…" And he paused. He rubbed his large paw over his face and yawned.

"Bobby, like I already told you, you have me. Lord knows I have my own problems and I'd be happy to burden you with them anytime you want me to." She smiled. Bobby pulled his hand away from his face and reached her hers.

"Thanks." He said and pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. "You're really not going to…to leave me?" He whispered.

She shook her head. "Nope. I'm not going anywhere, Bobby, because there's no place I'd rather be than here with you."

Bobby leaned forward and pulled her to him. He needed to hold her again. He needed to reassure himself that she was indeed with him. He was afraid that this would be the only night they'd be _allowed _to hold each other. Alex was practically in his lap, but she didn't care. She just wrapped her arms around his neck and placed her head on his shoulder. She was getting used to the feeling of his arms around her. It was comforting and she found contentment in being engulfed by her partners embrace.

* * *

**A/N: Hey guys. Sorry I haven't posted in a while, I've just been trying to deal with a lot of things. I cut this chapter a little shorter than I wanted to, but at least it's something. More to come! I hope to finish this before the new season of LOCI starts! **

**Hope you're still liking...**

**-Snyder-**


	7. Chapter 7: And then there was sleep

**Disclaimer:** Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

**CHAPTER 7: And then there was sleep**

"I'm s-so tired, Alex. I'm just…I'm afraid to sleep." He murmured while still holding onto her.

"You should get some sleep. You _need _to sleep." She said as she began to pull away.

"Are you g-going to…will you s-stay here with me?" He stuttered.

The fear in his eyes was back and Alex immediately saw it.

"There's no way I'm going to leave you." She reassured him.

"Alex, I…I promise I won't try anything if you want to…to leave. I understand. I promise I won't—" He drifted off.

She raised her right hand up and placed it delicately on his lips. She still saw the fear in his eyes; she knew he was trying to be brave.

"Bobby, it's not just because of…of that. It's because I _want _to be here with you." She told him. "Come on…" She said as she stood up. She turned around towards him and reached a hand out. "Lets get you to bed…if you can even make it. You look so worn out."

"I am…" He murmured.

Bobby grabbed her hand and pushed himself off the couch. He followed her as she started to walk towards his bedroom. He was surprised he'd held himself up for as long as he did, but by the time he made it to his bed, his legs felt like jello. He knew if he didn't sit, they were going to give out on him. He plopped down on the bed and then stared at Alex; it took a lot of effort just to raise his head. He was so exhausted, so tired of all of this. He just wanted to shut his brain off and sleep, if only for a few hours.

Alex could tell he was unsure of what to do or say next, so she took control.

"Why don't you change into…into whatever you sleep in and I'll do the same…" She said as she nodded towards the door. "I brought an overnight bag with me, so I'll change out there, ok?" He slowly nodded. "Just yell when you're changed, ok?" She said and waited for him to nod once more. She quickly kissed the hand she was holding and then let go. When she let go, Bobby instantly missed her reassuring touch.

When Alex shut the door, Bobby sluggishly pushed himself off the bed and went to his bathroom. He quickly relieved himself, brushed his teeth, and then went back into the bedroom. He figured he'd better at least put a new pair of boxers on. After ridding himself of his jeans and boxers, he quickly grabbed a clean pair of Calvin Klein boxers and put them on. Once they were on, he looked at his shirt and quickly stripped himself of the shirt as well. He started to head back towards his bed, but as he was walking back to the bed, he heard movement in the other room. Bobby froze momentarily. He was quickly reminded of that fact that he wasn't alone, that Alex was here with him. He groaned as he made his way back to his dresser and put on a fresh, clean shirt. Those few nights where he actually attempted to sleep, he only wore a pair of boxers; never a shirt, but he knew this was different. He looked down at himself in boxers and a t-shirt in utter disgust. He hated the way he looked. Then, slowly he made his way back over to the bed. He curled underneath the covers, making sure he hid any exposed skin, and then quietly called to her. He was surprised how quickly she responded. Within a few seconds she was in his room. He took her in and tried to hide a smile. She wore a pair of shorts, which were short and to his liking, with a long NYPD t-shirt. He only wished her shirt was two sizes smaller, but then quickly scolded himself for thinking such thoughts.

_Yeah, right, Goren._

Without a word, Alex walked over to him and sat on the edge of the bed. Bobby, on the other hand, couldn't move. His eye's had widened dramatically as he watched her every move.

Alex turned her head and casually murmured, "Scoot over."

_W-What?! She wants me to…to scoot over?! Oh god, I'm so glad I opted to wear a shirt._

Without a word, Bobby began to scoot over so he was on the left side of the bed rather than in the middle. He looked back over to her with anticipation; he had no idea she was actually going to sleep in the same bed with him.

Alex pulled back the covers and then lied down. There were two pillows on the bed; one under Bobby's head and one in the place where Alex was lying. After she placed her head on _her _pillow, she turned to look at him. Bobby still hadn't taken his eyes off of her.

"Relax, Bobby." She casually, yet soothingly whispered as she reached out to grab his hand.

He sighed and she felt him physically relax. She squeezed his hand once to reassure him that it was going to be ok and she was delighted when he squeezed back.

"Thank you, Alex. F-For everything." He let out a deep breath. "I…its just that it's b-been a w-while since anyone's been in m-my bed with me." He said and then quietly added, "I don't even want to be in bed with me."

"Don't say things like that, Bobby." She said and then released his hand.

Bobby immediately missed the warmth of her hand. He was about to frown when he shook, almost like a jolt of electricity shot through him, when he felt Alex's hand on his cheek. He turned his head to look at her and found her to be on her right side, facing him.

_When did she change positions?_

"It's true." He finally whispered, though it was barely audible.

"To be honest, Bobby, I'm surprised to hear you say that." She admitted and immediately noticed a confused look on his face. "Oh, come on, Goren. Don't tell me you don't know about the rumors that go on about you…" She said and then quickly added, "And I'm not talking about you being a _whack job_, which is ridiculous in itself. I'm talking about you being a ladies man."

Bobby attempted to laugh but it came out more as a whimper.

"Yeah, I've heard the rumors. They're ridiculous. I'll admit I did date a lot when I was, was _younger, _but it was _just _a date…or, um, dates. I just…no one ever understood me. There was no one I ever really felt a true connection with." _Except for you._ "It was more for…for just c-casual, uh…sex." He said and began to fidget. He was nervous and didn't want to discuss his sex life with her, or lack thereof. "But…but now, hell, the past couple of years…" And then he sighed. "Let's just say it's been a while. Women, t-they don't look at me the same way they used to and I…I just stopped trying." He said and digressed.

The whole time Bobby was talking, Alex was running her hand through the curls around his temple. She only stopped and pulled away when she began to speak.

"You mean to tell me women don't swoon over you anymore?" She asked incredulously.

"Alex, no women has _ever _swooned over me."

"Like hell!" She retorted immediately. "I can't even begin to count the number of women who've drooled over you. Whether it was someone we questioned or just walked by, it started to get annoying after a while." She said as she tried to cover up her jealously with annoyance.

"Yeah, right." He muttered. "And you don't see that happening anymore, now do you?" He asked though he already knew the answer. "Oh, wait!" He tried to joyfully say. "That's right! Not long ago there was that woman who referred to me as 'Bullwinkle.'" He said and let out a breath. He closed his eyes to recall the moment in the interrogation room. "If that's not _swooning _than I don't know what is." He said sarcastically and rolled his eyes.

"Sarcasm isn't your thing, Bobby." She said and then murmured, "I'm sorry." She grabbed onto his hand once more. "But, if it's any consolation, I'm kind of glad that women don't…don't drool or swoon over you anymore." She admitted and immediately felt selfish.

"W-Why?" He dared to ask.

Alex sighed and closed her eyes.

"Because I was jealous. You'd smile and flirt with all those women, every other woman we passed but never with me." She whispered. When she opened her eyes back up, she dared to look at Bobby. When she did look at him, however, he had a shit eating grin on his face. "What's so funny?" She asked.

"You." He said. "Eames, I don't flirt with you because I'm not allowed to."

"Since when do you follow the rules, _Goren?_"

"Not because of _the _rules…" He said and then mumbled under his breath, "Screw NYPD regulations." He smiled to himself but it quickly turned into a frown. "It's because I'm not _allowed _to." He said again.

Alex looked confused.

"Yeah, you already said that."

He sighed and turned onto his side to mirror her position. He tucked his hands under his head and looked her in the eyes.

"I wasn't or…I'm not a-allowed to flirt with you because you're my partner and I respect you too much to ever…" He pulled his right hand out from underneath his head and flailed it in between them. "To ever make a pass at you…or whatever they're calling it nowadays. And I…I don't want to make you uncomfortable."

And then it was Alex who was smiling. She knew how much Bobby respected women, especially her, and it made her smile. It reassured her that there are still gentlemen out there.

"Is that why you've never hugged me before?" She asked.

"We…we hugged today." He said.

"You know what I mean."

He nodded. "I…I guess so, but I also figured that you didn't want me to touch you in any way. I…I only held your hand when you were in the hospital after…after you were kidnapped because I _needed _to. I know it sounds selfish…it _is_ selfish but I needed to make sure you were ok. I needed to make sure that you were a-alive and well. And…" He started but abruptly stopped.

"And what?" Alex asked intrigued.

"And you…you looked so scared, especially when the nurse closed the c-curtains. I just wanted to let you know that I was there, that I was s-sorry. That, if you ever needed anything, if you ever needed _me_, I was there." He said and Bobby immediately began to apologize when he saw the look on her face. "I…"

"It's ok, Bobby. I'm glad you trust me enough to tell me this." She said. He tried to cover up a yawn but Alex saw it. She knew he needed his sleep so she reached over to the nightstand and turned out the light. "Go to sleep, Bobby. I know you're tired…I don't know how we got started on all of this to begin with, but we can always talk more tomorrow about it, any of it, if you want, ok?"

"Ok, Alex." He said and rolled on his back to get comfortable. "And, Alex?" He asked a few moments later.

"Yeah?"

"Thank you. Thank you f-for everything."

"Anytime." She murmured. "Now try and get some sleep. I'm not going anywhere. I promise I'll be right here if you need me." She added.

"I know…I know." He said and sighed in contentment.

Not 15 minutes later, Bobby was sound asleep. She thought she heard him murmur 'thank you for saving me,' before he passed out, but she wasn't sure. Alex couldn't help but listen to the even breaths he took. His breathing was hypnotizing to her and she found it comforting. It reassured her that he was still alive and that he was right beside her. Soon she found herself to be drifting off as well.

* * *

"Sometimes through the tears we can finally see the sunlight."

-daelcy

* * *

**A/N: Ok, so I'm still planning to finish this by Sunday; probably **_**on**_** Sunday **_**before **_**the season premiere! One more chapter and that should do it…hopefully. I do keep adding things though. LOL Oh, and I can't remember the episode where the woman in the interrogation room referred to Bobby as 'Bullwinkle' but I'm sure you all know what I'm talking about. LOL poor Bobby!  
****  
So, I should probably note that I took the ending quote from daelcy. She reviewed this story and wrote that line in the review. I messaged her back and told her I'd use it and, well, what do ya know. If you say a quote I really like, more than likely, I'll use it! So thanks! =)**

**-Snyder-**


	8. Chapter 8: Confessions from the heart

**Disclaimer:** Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

**Note: **Please read authors note at the end of this chapter!

**CHAPTER 8: Confessions from the heart**

All was silent in Robert Goren's apartment. You could hear the faint snoring of Bobby and a light breathing coming from Alex. Although they weren't touching, the looked peaceful; they looked comfortable lying next to one another as if it was the most natural thing in the world.

And then all hell broke lose.

Alex shot straight up out of bed, not because of a nightmare she was having, but because of the sound of someone screaming. The screaming she heard came from Bobby. He screamed, 'no' once, it was what woke her up, and then he began to lightly mumble. Alex's eyes instantly widened as she took her 6'4" partner in. Even in his sleep as he endured one of those many nightmares she figured he'd had, he looked scared.

_Has this man ever had peace in his life?_

"Bobby!" She said in her normal voice.

She didn't need to yell; he instantly woke up.

Bobby opened his eyes and looked around the room. Alex was well aware of the fact that he wasn't aware of her presence yet. She was waiting for him to say something first but she didn't take her eyes off of him. She watched him as he closed his eyes once more, rubbed his face with his large paw, and then sighed. Once he pulled his hand away from his face, he opened his eyes back up only to be staring directly into Alex's eyes. He froze for a brief second; his hand in mid-air. He'd forgotten she was here for those few seconds until all the memories of the past several hours came crashing back down on him. He was surprised she was _still _here.

"Alex?" He finally whispered.

She really wasn't sure what to say. She'd never _slept _with anyone that had nightmares like Bobby did. So, she said the only thing she could think of. It was the only reassuring words she _could _think of and she knew that in those nights where she'd have a nightmare, she always wished someone was there to say them to her.

"I'm here, Bobby." She said. "It'll be ok." And she knew it was ok, she knew that _he_ was ok because he sighed. It wasn't in dismay, but it was a sigh in contentment.

"Sorry…" He murmured and felt embarrassed. He looked like a scared little boy.

"Don't apologize." She said and lied back down. When she lied back down, she turned onto her side to face him yet again. "Wanna talk about it?" She asked as casually as she could.

"Not particularly…" He said and began to bite his lip. "Did I…did I wake you?" He asked timidly.

He was looking at her when he asked, so Alex nodded.

"Yeah, but it's ok." She said.

"I…I'm sorry. I just…I have p-problems with…" He sighed. "Like I said before, I have a lot of nightmares."

"I know, Bobby, I know."

"How long have…have we b-been asleep?" He wondered though Alex knew he was changing the subject.

She turned to look at the clock.

"About two hours." She said as she turned back around to face him.

"Really?" He asked in amazement.

"Been a while, huh?" She questioned but then felt stupid for asking. She knew he hadn't slept since the death of his brother. She didn't wait for him to respond as she continued. "What is it, Bobby?" She couldn't help but ask. He had a disturbing look on his face. She knew that whatever it was that was bothering him, it had something to do with the nightmare. He glanced back over to where she was laying. He had a confused look on his face. "Don't look so confused or surprised, Bobby. I can _hear _you thinking." She said and then quietly added, "I can tell something's on your mind by the…by the look of dismay you have on your face. Over the years I've learned to read those facial features of yours. So…"

"I, uh…" He rubbed his forehead as he thought back to his nightmare. "It was, my nightmare, it was about s-something else that Declan said to me."

"Bobby…" She said. She wanted to hurt Declan so badly at this moment.

"No, Alex. I mean…I—" He said and looked nervously at Alex. She could tell that whatever was on his mind, he was afraid to even mention it. "He s-said that Nicole…" And his voice all of a sudden went very hoarse. He swallowed hard and tried again. He needed to get this out. "He, Declan, s-said that Nicole told him to tell me that I was the only man she ever loved…" He said and then looked back over at Alex.

"Oh, Bobby, that's not true. She's not the only person to love you, if you can even believe what Declan said to begin with." And then Alex cringed after she said it; she knew she'd said the wrong thing.

"So no one's ever loved me then…" He whispered.

"Bobby!" She raised her voice to get his attention before he got lost in his thoughts again. "She's not the only one to love you!"

"But, who then, Alex? Who? Because no one l-loves me." He said as his eyes began to water up again for what seemed to be the hundredth time in less than 24 hours.

"Bobby, _I_ love you." She said matter-of-factly. She couldn't stop now, so she went on. "I have for a long time. I just never wanted to…to say anything. I thought—" She began but then stopped. Bobby, on the other hand, was looking right at her. His head shot up after he heard those three words and his eyes widened. "I adore you, Bobby. I can't imagine not seeing you every day. I can't imagine you not in my life…" She admitted and reached up to stroke his cheek.

"Y-You love me?" He asked in awe.

She nodded. "For a while now."

"B-But…" He began.

"Bobby…" Alex said. She took a deep breath as she tried to get her thoughts in order. "I know it's hard for you to understand it. I know you haven't been loved they way you deserve to be loved, but I do love you. So very much."

"Y-You mean you love me like a…like a brother, right?" He said as his mind went into overdrive.

"I wouldn't lie in bed with a man I saw as my brother, Bobby. I love you in all the ways I shouldn't…" She said.

"Alex, I…" And then he stopped. He was struggling to find the right words. He didn't want to say the wrong thing.

"It's ok, Bobby. You don't need to say it back. Don't say it; don't say anything you don't mean." She said.

"No!" Bobby objected almost immediately. "That's just it, Alex, I _do _love you. I've loved you for so long. I just, I…I've tried not to. I wouldn't allow myself to. Y-You deserve so much more than I can…than I'll ever be able to give you." He sadly said.

_Here goes nothing. It could ruin everything…or it could be the best thing in the world._

"Bobby, the only thing I want is you." She whispered.

Alex saw Bobby close his eyes. She knew he was deep in thought now. She knew he could either accept the fact that they love each other, or deny them all together. In reality, he could deny their love for each other and deny _her. _Alex bit her lip as she nervously waited for him to respond. After a few minutes passed, he finally spoke. He was so timid in his words.

"You're sure y-you want this?" He asked but didn't wait for an answer. "I…I mean, you're sure y-you…that you love me?" He asked. "That you really, really w-want me? Or…want _this?_" He asked nervously. He couldn't get the right words out and he hated it. "Even after everything that's h-happened?"

Alex knew she wasn't getting anywhere with this conversation.

_Well, actions speak louder than words, right? _

Alex rolled over onto her stomach and then scooted over closer to Bobby. Once she was right up against him, she stopped and looked up at him. She immediately felt the heat that radiated off his body; she thought she felt him quiver too. He felt reassuringly warm to her as she raised her left arm up and rested it on his chest. As she looked him in the eyes in the dimly lit room, she could see his brown eyes. She loved his eyes; she couldn't get enough of them. She felt herself becoming lost in his eyes as her body leaned in closer to his. She stopped mere inches away from his face. She was close, so close in fact that she could feel his warm breath on her face.

_Oh god._

_Can't stop now._

Alex leaned in the rest of the way and kissed him. This time the kiss wasn't on his forehead, it was on his lips. It was brief, soft and nothing like she pictured their first kiss to be. She figured if they ever were to kiss, it would be a mistake one night due to alcohol intoxication. The situation was nothing of the sorts; it was nothing she could have ever imagined. She could never have planned in those nights of fantasizing that it would happen like this, but none of that mattered at the moment. When she pulled back she immediately missed the warmth of his lips. She wanted more but she needed to be patient.

"I've never been so sure of anything, Bobby." She finally said.

His mind wouldn't stop. It was processing everything all at once. Her confession, his confession, the kiss, it was all up in the air, but he finally did something he never dared to do before now: he shut it off. He stopped thinking completely and went with how he _felt _instead. Alex on the other hand was starting to become nervous. He still hadn't said anything yet so she was starting to have second thoughts. Maybe she'd admitted, maybe she'd done too much.

_Maybe he doesn't love me the way I love him… _She deduced.

She was about to apologize when she saw him smile.

"I love you too, Alex." He said and quickly added, "And, no…" He said as his Italian heritage began to show. Bobby raised his hand and flailed it as he said, "Not like a sister…I…I love you so much. I love you in all the ways I shouldn't, too." He said as he reached up to stroke the side of her face.

Alex finally smiled. "Good, because you're stuck with me."

"Are you sure it's not the other way around?" He asked and chuckled.

She shook her head. "We're stuck with each other, Bobby, because I _can't _be without you." She said and then leaned down to capture his lips once more.

* * *

**A/N: Ok, so this is ****NOT**** the last chapter, but I stopped it here for a reason. The next chapter ****will ****be the end and ****will**** be Rated M! So for those of you that don't read the Rated M chapters, this ends here for you. Ok? I didn't plan to write an M chapter, but I decided to at the last minute.**

**The next chapter will still be up before the season premiere on Sunday! Thanks guys!**

**-Snyder-**


	9. Chapter 9: Together till the end of time

**Disclaimer:** Sadly enough, I don't own anything. This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained!

**Special thanks to: **Auraya-of-the-White, bobbygorensbabygirl, B R Cary, Chlark4, cifan, Daelcy, Daystar Searcher, deliriousdancer, Humor In A Bittersweet Life (Judeey, you changed your name!), LadyBlueDevil86, LeaveIt, likeit, moonchild712, morgancorinthos84, OSuzanne, poetrygrrl39, The Mominator, rindy713, Secret Phoenix 679, Starlight63, .Fanx8x, and XPhantomAngelZ.

**Note: **This chapter is Rated M, however, not all of it is. If you want to scroll down until you get past the Rated M stuff, by all means do so.

**CHAPTER 9: Together till the end of time**

Bobby reached around, wrapped his lengthy arm around her waist and pulled her tightly to him. She landed completely on top of him as she deepened the kiss. She couldn't get enough of him; the taste of him, the way his tongue sought out hers, the way he moaned and squirmed every so slightly. She'd wondered, for many years now, what it would be like.

She finally knew.

Bobby moaned deeply in response to her, but then felt something else responding as well. He felt an unfamiliar twitch in an area that hadn't been active in a very long time. He opened his eyes wide as they continued to kiss. He was thankful her eyes were still closed. He began to panic.

_Oh god, she'll think I'm a pig!_

He wanted to enjoy the kiss, he wanted to enjoy this moment and never forget it, but he was too caught up with his little, or, in Bobby's case, _big _problem.

He was about to pull away, he was about to turn so she slipped off to the side of him; anything to hide his _problem _when Alex pulled back first.

_Oh god._

He closed his eyes before she got a chance to look into his eyes. He tried to hold back a moan as she practically sat on top of his growing erection. She was straddling him and Bobby knew that she was well aware of his arousal now; there was no hiding it. Before he even dared to even open his eyes, he felt her hand run across his semi-erect cock. He couldn't hide the moan this time with the friction she was creating in his boxers. It felt too good.

_Oh god, what's she doing. And where the hell are the covers?! _

But Bobby already knew where the covers were. He knew they were long gone; more than likely shoved aside during his nightmare.

"Bobby, open your eyes." She murmured as she continued to rub him through his boxers.

"Oh, god, A-Alex." He gasped as he barely got the words out. It was the only thing Bobby could say. He wanted her so badly, he had for a long time, but he couldn't do this. He couldn't take advantage of her.

He opened his eyes like she asked and when he saw the look on her face, when he gazed into her eyes, he lost all control. The love he saw in her eyes was enough to make him die a happy man already and they hadn't even done anything yet.

Alex, on the other hands, found his voice, the look on his face, to be sexy as hell. Alex knew she was already wet; if his arousal didn't do it, his sex-filled voice did.

"Bobby…" She whispered again as she removed her hand and laid back down on him. She placed her head gently on his chest just to listen to his heart beat. She wasn't surprised when she found it to be rapidly pounding. She knew hers was too.

"I…We can't…I can't…" He stuttered.

"It's ok, Bobby." She said. She raised her head up to look at him and then asked, "Bobby, do you trust me?"

He couldn't speak, he only nodded. He was too caught up in the fact that she was running her hands up and down his sides; occasionally raking her nails into his sides through his shirt. He didn't think he could get any harder at this point.

"Alex, I can't take a-advantage of you l-like this…"

"Who says you're taking advantage of me?" She snorted as she asked. "How do you know I don't want this too?" She asked and kissed him lightly on the lips. "I love you, Bobby. I want you, all of you. I don't want to look back; I just want us to be together. I know its sudden. I know it may seem like an impossible situation with our work and all, but, Bobby, I don't care about that. I know there are a lot of things we need to talk about, but as long as we're together, Bobby, than we can get through anything. You know that." She said and then began to kiss his neck. She needed to show him again how much she wanted him.

"Oh, god, Alex. You feel so…so good." He said. "_This _feels so good."

Bobby wasted no time exploring her body; he did so with his hands. He loved to touch things, explore things with his hands, so he slowly slid them down her back. When he reached the top of her shorts, he paused, only briefly, and then ran his hands under the waist band, under her underwear, until they were resting on her soft ass. He squeezed gently and couldn't stop the smile that appeared on his lips when he heard her squeal.

He rolled them over so she was on her back and he was lying off to the side of her. He hovered over her, only for a split second, until he couldn't resist any longer. He kissed her. This kiss was not as gentle as the first couple were. He wanted to show her how much he wanted her; how much he needed her. Their tongues dueled, while their hands roamed and their passion for each other was finally released all in that one kiss. They only stopped and pulled away when they needed air. When Bobby pulled back, he looked into her eyes. He felt like he was about to cry. He kept asking himself if this was a dream.

"Alex, y-you know I'd never…I will _never _hurt you on purpose, right?" He asked. He needed her to know that.

"I know, Bobby. And, Bobby? I'll never hurt you on purpose either."

"I know, Alex. You're incapable of it." He said and didn't give her a chance to respond. He kissed her again.

The kiss started out gentle, but quickly escaladed again. Alex ran her hands through his hair, down his shoulders and down his back until she found the hem of his shirt. She began to lift his shirt up when Bobby broke away from the kiss.

"A-Alex…"

"Shhh." She said as she continued to lift his shirt up. "Don't think, just do." She murmured.

He groaned but complied nonetheless. He nervously raised his hands up so she could rid him of his shirt; Bobby suddenly felt very self conscious and exposed. Alex saw his uncertainty and decided to help him out. She sat up in bed and removed her shirt to make things fair.

Once her shirt was removed, Bobby completely forgot about his insecurities; there was no room for them. Bobby's eyes only widened when he realized there was no clothing underneath her shirt; no bra for him to remove. She was bare-chested in front of him and he couldn't stop himself from reaching out to touch her. He cupped one of her breasts and she immediately closed her eyes and moaned. As he massaged her breast and ran his thumb over her nipple, he couldn't help but close his eyes too. He was mentally snapping pictures of this moment. He didn't ever want to forget it.

After giving her other breast the same amount of attention, he laid back and pulled her on top of him. He reveled in the feeling of her naked breasts against his chest and she did too. Alex loved the feeling of Bobby's salt and pepper chest hair rubbing against her breasts. It was a sensation she wasn't familiar with until now because every guy she'd ever been with, including Joe, had no chest hair.

They were taking their time, holding each other, getting used to each other, when Alex reached down to grip him firmly through his boxers. She was getting anxious, she need more. Now. She needed him inside her.

"Hmm." He moaned into her ear and then gasped when he felt her bare hand on his throbbing cock. "A-Alex…" He gasped as she began to stroke him. He lifted his head up to see her hand buried in his boxers. She had unbuttoned the one barrier, the one button that kept him covered. Bobby couldn't help but wonder how she did that without him knowing, without him feeling it. "Oh, god, Alex. I y-you keep doing that and…I…I won't be able to hold on m-much longer." He stuttered and tried to suppress another groan.

Alex removed her hand from his boxers, but didn't waste anytime with the removal of them. As she began to pull them off of him, she only looked up to him when she wanted him to lift his butt up. He complied, speechless, and watched her as she tossed them behind her where they landed somewhere on the ground completely forgotten.

Alex stood up and quickly removed her shorts and underwear as well. After her shorts and underwear were long gone, she looked back to Bobby to see his arms outstretched and reaching for her. She joined him back on the bed and crawled back on top of him and into his arms.

"Alex, are you s-sure about this? Once we…once we start this, I won't be able to stop." He said.

"We've already started _this,_ Bobby. And I'm sure. I've never wanted anything so badly." She said and then asked, "Do you want this, Bobby? It's ok if you don't, if you're not ready." She said, but when she felt the twitch of his cock under her stomach, she knew he was more than ready.

"I want this, Alex. I want _us._" He said. "I just don't want to force you into something you don't—" And that was as far as he got.

She captured his lips once more, while her hand massaged his balls to silence him. His breathing quickened and right then and there, Bobby surrendered to the feeling. He could no longer hold back nor did he want to. They were exploring, they were both doing everything they'd only dreamt about but never dared to speak of. They wanted to know what they'd been missing out on for 8 long years and as they separated from the kiss and gazed into each others eyes, they knew that this was long overdue.

Bobby reached over to his dresser to get a condom.

"I thought you said it's been a while?" She asked. She knew what he was looking for.

Bobby froze for a split second before turning back to her and murmuring, "It has been. I…I don't even know if I…if I have any…" He said but then stopped. He started to turn back around to dig into his drawer again when she gently pushed him on the shoulders. He lied back down and looked at her confused.

_Maybe she's changed her mind._

"It's ok, Bobby. We don't need anything." She whispered. "I'm on the pill and I trust you." She said and kissed his forehead.

When they broke apart Bobby started to sit up to switch positions when Alex pushed him back on the bed yet again.

"No, Bobby. Just relax. This is for you." She said.

"But, Alex, I want to feel you. I want to…to pleasure you, worship you. I want to _taste _you and treat you the way you deserve to be treated." He said in protest. "The way I've always dreamt of treating you…"

_Hmm, so he has dreamed about this before. I'll have to save that one for another time._

Instead, she asked, "Do you trust me, Bobby?"

He nodded. "Of course!" He practically wailed.

"Then trust me, Bobby, there will be plenty more opportunities for that. But tonight, just relax. This is for you." She said and then whispered seductively, "I know what you need right now, Bobby." And as she said those words, she lifted herself up and slid down onto him.

The tone in her voice and the way she felt was enough to make him come right then and there. They moaned in unison as their eyes locked on to one another's.

Alex didn't move for a few seconds as she adjusted to his size and then she spoke.

"Bobby, you're so big. I don't think I've ever been with a man your size." She said and then squeezed her inner walls for emphasis." Bobby moaned immediately and grasped for the edge of the bed. "Bobby…I can feel your throbbing cock…it feels so good. You fill me up, Bobby, like no man has ever done." She cooed and then started to move.

As she started to ride him, things started out slow. They had a steady pace going until Bobby saw _the _look on Alex's eyes. He was well aware of how aroused she was even before she started to ride him because he felt her wetness on the tip of his cock when it first touched her wet pussy. As time went on, however, her movements became more erratic. She closed her eyes and Bobby removed one of his hands that was on her hip and rubbed her clit.

"Oh, god, Bobby. Yes." She spoke and moaned in the sexiest voice Bobby had ever heard.

And that was what did it for him. Before Alex knew what hit her, she was on her back with her very large, very aroused partner and now lover, Bobby Goren, on top of her.

She was coming undone, and by the look in Bobby's eyes, she knew he was too.

"Come for me, Alex." He said as he took control.

"Ahh, Bobby. Ahh, f-fuck. I'm so…so close." She managed to get out.

Not a second later, Alex came. Bobby felt her inner walls tighten around his cock, but he couldn't come. Not yet. He wanted more. He wanted to hold out for as long as he possibly could. He didn't want this to end.

"You're so deep inside me, Bobby." She whispered. She knew he was holding on by a thread now. "Come inside me, Bobby."

He shook his head. "Not yet." He huskily said. "Come for me again, Alex." He said as he continued to make love to her.

Bobby pulled out and got on his knees. He grabbed her hips, lifted her halfway off the bed and then slammed back into her. Once he changed positions, once he changed the angle of entry, he knew right away that he'd found the right spot.

_Oh my god, I love this man._

"Oh, god, yes. Right there, Bobby. More…please. Harder." She rambled on.

Who was Bobby to deny such a request? He sped up the pace. He was slamming in and out of her so fast; he didn't know where the energy was coming from. He expertly pulled out just enough so that the tip of his cock was barely inside of her, and then slammed back into her.

"Bobby! Bobby…I'm so close. Please…Oh my god, you feel so fucking good. I…Please, Bobby." She began to plead with him as she tossed her head from side to side.

It was frantic, yet sensual sex and she loved it. It was soft, rough, and sexy and Alex knew right then and there that Bobby was the only one for her. She loved this man more than life itself.

"Alex." His voice cracked. "Look at me. Open your eyes and look at me. I want to look you in the eyes when you come." He growled.

Alex opened her eyes and looked at him. When she glanced up at him, beads of sweat were falling down the side of his face. He had a look on his face that she'd never seen before. He looked very aroused and _very _in love: in love with her. His eyes told her everything and that's what made her come. Alex cried out his name as her second orgasm overtook her.

"That's it, Baby." He said as he continued to slam into her. He then hoarsely whispered, "I love you, Alex."

He felt his orgasm nearing. Bobby pumped in and out of her a few more times until he couldn't hold on any longer. All his tension, all his angst, all his frustrations and fears were released as his orgasm overtook him. Bobby came hard inside of her and by some grace of god, she was able to hold onto him and take it for him.

Alex felt him shudder and heard him call out her name once more before he collapsed. All of his energy was spent, so he collapsed on top of her; he couldn't hold himself up any longer. Alex immediately welcomed him and wrapped her legs around his waist and her arms around his neck. Not even a minute later, Bobby resisted and tried to pull away. His arms were shaking as he tried to push himself back up.

"Alex, I don't want to squish you." He said but she only tightened her legs around his waist.

"I don't care." She said.

He couldn't fight her. He was too worn out. He fell back on top of her and succumbed to the feeling of the warm of her body. Their bodies were both sweaty, the both smelled of sex, and they both reveled in the feeling.

Bobby always craved sex in his younger days, but he deeply feared intimacy. Now, though, he wanted both. He was happy to finally make love to Alex, but he also wanted the intimacy with her because he loved her. He loved this woman more than anything and, even though he'd told a few girls in the past that he loved them, he realized just then that he never truly did. It was just three words he said so that they could hear it. He knew being with Alex was different than any other time because he never felt the way he did with any of them like he does with her right now.

Once their breathing even out, Bobby finally pulled out of her. He managed to roll them both over so that he was lying on his back with Alex on top of him.

"That was—"

"Amazing." Alex finished for him.

He wrapped his arms around her and whispered into her ear, "I love you, Alex."

"I love you too, Bobby." She said.

Once they finally came down from their high, they both slipped into a light sleep.

Bobby was the first one to wake. He knew it was morning because the sun was shining through the blinds in his room. He felt something on top of him and looked over to his left side to see Alex. His heart soared.

_She's still here. It wasn't a dream._

He thanked the gods above that his prayers had finally been answered.

Bobby reached up with his right hand to run it through her hair as he took her naked form in. He couldn't wait to see what she said first. He couldn't wait to look into the eyes of the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his life with. Alex was still partially on top of him; her left leg tangled with his. He couldn't remember a time where she looked sexier. He turned on his left side and pulled her to him.

She sighed and began to squirm. She too had always wondered when he would say the morning after as well and she didn't have to wait long.

"Morning, beautiful." He murmured and kissed her forehead.

Alex's eyes fluttered a few times as she tried to wake up. She felt Bobby hand rub soothingly across her back and she moaned. It felt good to wake up in his arms. She always wondered what it would feel like to be held by Robert Goren and now she knew. It was heaven. He was so tender, so soft and caring for the size he was.

"Hey, sexy." She said. She smirked when she saw him begin to blush.

As they lied next to each other, both were still naked, they couldn't help but think back to only a few hours ago. Neither one of them wanted to move; they just wanted to be lost in their love for each other and the feeling that quickly overcame them both. It was amazing. Neither one of them were thinking about the consequences anymore, they didn't care. They had what they needed: each other.

After what seemed to be hours, Alex finally spoke.

"A long time ago, I…I promised myself I'd never fall in love with another cop. I promised myself I wouldn't. And then…" She said and looked him in the eyes. "And then you, Robert Goren, came along. I tried not to, I tried to ignore my feelings for you, but I just…I couldn't anymore."

He nodded. He knew all too well because he too couldn't hide those feelings anymore either.

"I…" He began but Alex wasn't finished.

"I can't lose you, Bobby. I can't loose you like I lost…Joe." She whispered his name. "You put yourself at risk every damn day." She said angrily.

Bobby thought she was about to yell, she knew there was anger in her voice, but when he looked into her eyes, there was no anger present.

"It's part of the job." He murmured."

"No, Bobby. You…you go beyond that. You put yourself out there, you take unnecessary risks. I…I started to hate you for that. Joe, he was just a beat cop, but you…" She drifted off. "I can't…I need to get out. I can't do this anymore." She said in dismay. "I can't do this job anymore, but…"

"But it's too late." He murmured.

She nodded. "Yeah." She snuggled up against him. "It's too late." She said as a tear finally fell.

Bobby leaned over and kissed her tear away.

"Bobby, will you promise me something?" She asked.

"What?" He asked.

"Promise you won't put yourself at risk anymore. I'm so scared that one day, your luck will run out. One day, you won't be able to talk your way out of it. One day, a perp will just snap and kill you. Please." She said. "I don't want to sleep alone ever again. I don't ever want to go through _that _again." She whispered.

"Oh, Alex. I'm sorry. I…"

"No, Bobby. Just promise me. Just promise me you'll at least try."

"Alex, I take risks because, because I have nothing to lose. I had nothing to lose. Now, though, I have you to lose." He sighed. She knew he had more to say so she waited for him to continue. "Alex, to me, family is everything. What's funny about it is the fact that I don't have any family to speak of, but…"

"But what?" She asked.

"But I…I wanted a family…if I was younger then I'd say maybe someday, but that _someday _has come and gone. My mother was the only family I really had and I loved her to death. She fucked up my life, but I still loved her. All my time went to her as I watched my life pass before my eyes." He sighed. "But you, Alex, I know you're not a family member, but I love you like one. I love you more than any family member I've ever had and I'd do anything for you. I do anything for the people I love and care about. So, if you want me to quit Major Case, if you want me to give up my job as a detective, than I will. Not because I'm scared to go back to hear what people have to say about me. Not because I'm burned out or lost interest. Hell, I love my job, but I'd give it all up if you asked me to. Alex, I love you more than anything. I don't mean to scare you off, but I do. If you're worried about me, if you want me to quit, than I will. Just say the words and I'll type up my resignation today because us, this means more to me than my career." He explained. And there it was. He was willing to give up the only thing he knew for her. "I love you and I'd never do anything intentionally that would break us apart. I promise, Alex, I promise I'll be more careful, I promise I won't be upset with whatever you decide." He said.

Alex was shocked beyond belief. She couldn't believe he'd resign, quit Major Case just for her. She took a few minutes to let his words sink in before she spoke.

"Bobby, I can't ask you to do that. You've worked too hard to get where you are. You've worked too hard to just give it all up." She said and then thought back to everything else he'd just told her. "I _do _love you, Bobby. There's no way you're going to scare me off. I just want you to be careful, ok? I want us to continue to be together, not just here, like this, but at Major Case as well." She said and kissed him. When she pulled back, she looked him in the eyes and said, "Ok?"

Her nodded. "Anything you want, Alex. I've been a selfish bastard at times and…and I haven't treated you the way you should be treated; especially in the past couple years. I…I'm sorry for that, but I want to make it up to you. This…" He said and kissed her forehead. "Means more to me than I'll ever be able to tell you. _You _mean more to mean then you'll ever know."

She sighed in contentment and buried her head in his chest. He rolled on his back and pulled her to him. He held her with his left hand while his right hand played with her hair. They lied that way for a little bit until he whispered something that made her look up at him.

"You saved me, Alex." Bobby whispered. "You saved me from myself."

And just by chance, Alex and Bobby were partnered together eight years ago. Just by chance, they made it through the odds. Just by chance, Alex felt empathy for Bobby in a time when he needed it the most because, just by chance, she knew something was wrong. And just by chance, she got to him in time.

* * *

"You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be."

- Chuck Palahniuk

* * *

For Bobby, he chose life; a life with Alex.

_The End._

* * *

**A/N: Alright my little LOCI fans! Thanks for reading and happy watching tonight at 9PM!**

**I really wanted to go into their "action" more and add a better ending, but I just don't have time. It's mid to upper 70s here in Washington right now so I wanna go enjoy it! I may change some things here or there later on, but for now, it is what it is.**

**I must say, however, that one day I'm going to actually write a story where I kill him off. Ah, that's horrible. It always makes me cry when I read those kinds of stories. I don't know if I "have it in me." Ooooohh, totally stole that off an LOCI episode! Actually it was "you have it in you," but you get the point. First one to name the episode gets a cookie! LOL**

**Anyway, thank you all for reading! So glad I could get this done before the season premiere tonight! I was a little worried.**

**Until my next fic,  
****-Snyder-**


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